The unknown

Posted on: March 12, 2012

Everyday is a new challenge with A, whether it be good or bad.

What keeps me happy is the thought of A being happy. Its rare that he cries – so its quite upsetting when he does.
Its comforting that he’s a very smiley little boy and it warms my heart every time I see him with a big grin across his face.

I can’t remember how it came about but I was tweeting with a friend on twitter and she said that sometimes she only had to look at her daughter and she would feel so down and sad, she said she didn’t know if it was just her feeling that way. But I must be honest – I feel that way some days also.

Even when he’s laughing and smiling I feel emotional and wonder why my son has to have Autism – I accept it but it doesn’t mean I like it.

I often wonder if he is actually happy – a smile can disguise so much of what is going on inside of you. I wonder about things like if he realises that he can’t talk like other children, that they don’t really want him to play with them? On occasion A will just be watching TV or eating his food and he will become upset for no apparent reason – and I am completely lost as to what he could be upset about.

When he’s appearing down I can’t ask him what’s wrong, and that is so hard – to not be able to comfort your child when they are upset, I’m lucky if he even let’s me cuddle him without him pushing me away, the same with a kiss.

I wouldn’t change A but given the chance i would possibly change the fact he has Autism so he could be just like any other child his own age – so the worry and the feeling of sadness and helplessness would go away.

I don’t want all of this post to be negative because its not everyday I feel this way, but I wanted to highlight the fact that many do feel this way, or similar and its ok to say how you feel and show others the emotional impact having a child with a disability can have on a parent.

Seeing as Autism is incurable, I’d just like to leave you with a little statement…

I wouldn’t change A for the world, but I would change the world for A.

Please share your comments as always.

L x


6 Responses to "The unknown"

Beautifully put, especially the end line. I also feel emotional a lot of the time – you have to try and put it behind you, but there are so many reminders every day of how things are and will be different. Not all necessarily bad though. I think the emotional stress is the hardest thing to deal with, because it is generally hidden. Have wondered if all special needs families should get counselling really, but then of course there’s no money for that, is there?! Ho hum, on we go 🙂

I too often feel emotional, i always put it down to my hormones, never thought of this, it makes sense to me.

We were asked once, if there was a pill that M could hve to not be Autistic would u give it him. The politically correct answer is No we love him as he is, and yes we do more than anything in the world, but….would I take away the fears he has, the anxieties he has, the repetition he has, the lack of friends he has, the rigid and closed life he leads…. abso – bl**dy – lutely I would.

Like you I just want M to be happy, in whatever shape that comes in, and removing those things would/may do that. Then sometimes I wonder, would it? Its all he knows, and is the person he is because of it, so would the world be an even scarier place then? He calls it “his world”, and prefers it to “my world”, one day I’d like spend a day there and see just what its really like.

Another great worded post, you really have a knack of putting into words what many of us feel.


Jo x

We adopted our two, and so we had what many of you didn’t, the knowledge in advance of their condition. Or at least, the prognosis that the authorities and clever people thought they knew would be their future.
They got a lot of it wrong, and adding attachment behaviors to the girls repertoire, life is challenging to say the least!
Your blog ring true for me too though. And I wanted to say to any adopters reading this… Just because you have a paper saying your child has LD, just because you chose your child, doesn’t mean you won’t feel extremely emotional at times about their disability, their challenges, their future and their life chances.
To all the mums and dads who read this. Never (ever) forget you are marvelous.

Beautiful post. Just beautiful! Thank you for sharing this with the rest of us, whether we are in the same position as parents of autism or not.

I am still getting used to the feelings that follow an autism diagnosis for your child. As I’ve written on my blog, the first days, weeks and months are very hard and not only because of your child but also because your spouse isn’t necessarily reacting to the news in the same way as you. Now that the initial chock is over the world looks brighter again but there are days where you just don’t seem to get out of the ground mist.

Fortunately, not everyone has to go through this battle and for them to hear how much it can affect you to constantly having to fight for and worry about your child is a good reminder of how lucky they are. But let’s not forget that we are lucky too in so many ways and it’s important to remember that.

xoxo Ragga

always such feeling and emotion in your posts. I think all children can affect your mood with theirs, if they are happy you feel proud and happy to be their Mum, when they are creating you feel down and sad too for them and for yourself.

I feel the same way sometimes. But on those occasions I try to focus on those things that make him so special. Like today we met a couple with a baby and the first thing my son did was lay hands on the baby and pray for her. Those things that I never see other kids doing.

I know it is hard to focus all the time on those things but it helps me through some bad times.

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